The Akatsuki Package
by TheParadoxicalOtaku
Summary: 'Wasn't the boulder an adequate disguise for the hideout? Highly trained ninja were unable to find the place but a mere mailman could.' Pein snorted disbelievingly. Yeah, you heard me, a mailman! What shenanigans could happen next? Review for the sake of OOC and crack! Picture is disclaimed!
1. The Akatsuki Package

Ahem, the Akatsuki fandom has caught up with me once more. This time in the form of a long-ish chapter story. But with rather short chapters, I'm trying to pace myself. So relax and savor the obviously OOC and crack-filled story! Me no owns the Akatsuki, I do have in my possession some notebooks based off of the anime Naruto though. So go forth, my loyal reader! And start the game right this very moment! _Introducing the wildly popular...[Cue the truckload of enthusiatic screaming fans.]_

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_Chapter 1: Package for the Akatsuki? Oh please!_

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"Hello! I have a package for the Akatsuki hideout here! Is anyone home?" the ordinary, completely not disguised as a ninja or rabid fan girl mailman announced naively to the boulder that was currently designed as a disguise to the entrance for said hideout.

Pein rubbed his forehead and pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly once more as that announcement made echoed throughout the base.

_ 'Was the boulder really not a good enough disguise for their hideout? It was seriously speaking absolutely impossible for trained ninjas to find this place but a simple mailman was able to?'_

Pein snorted derisively at the foolish thought and waited for anyone to answer the poor, unsuspecting mailman.

Unfortunately enough, only the relatively sane ones were at the base at the moment, which meant there would be no entertainment for today. Drat.

Itachi released the seal on the boulder to start staring stoically at the mailman.

"Ah! Finally! Here's your package and if you could just sign here please!" The mailman cheerily said, holding up a clip-board to the other male's face.

"Hn." A pen appeared within his fingertips and soon enough efficiently signed initials appeared on the carbon paper.

The receipt was carefully torn out and handed to Itachi alongside the package.

"Well then, I suppose I'll be on my way then! Bye! See you again soon!" Mailman smiled innocently and turned away to leave.

That mailman was obviously new, since he didn't know the rules that no one got to leave the place alive.

He did not manage to take a single step before he collapsed on the ground.

Itachi, who had all the while been staring intently at the dead guy, put the seal back in place and reentered the hideout, just that this time with a package in his grasp.

Pein exited his office to intercept Itachi and at the same time take the package off his hands.

Pein then went back into his office to begin examining the package closely, with every method he could think of.

It was a mere plain, standard brown paper package tied up with string, no extra fancy pretenses enveloped the package.

The address on the paper was labelled The Akatsuki in bold letters.

Pein blinked a little and thought about it, nothing dangerous or otherwise could be sensed about the package.

Therefore, it was either a very elaborate trap or a harmless box.

Whatever, he shrugged uncaring. Anything that was thrown at the Akatsuki would easily be dealt with.

Or so he thought...

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Meanwhile, the supposedly dead mailman got up, dusted himself off and went on his merry way.

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I seem to enjoy making people collapse on the ground. Curse these plot bunnies. Serious foreshadowing here! Hope to see your reviews! They make for faster updates! _(Even though, technically speaking, I already finished with most of the plot and just have to type it out...)_


	2. Open Up The Package What Did You See?

Heyos m'peeps! /Shotdeadbyrabidllamas. Ohkays. I just cycled 19km and I'm kinda sunburned right now. The THINGS I do for you people! Jfksobsdf… To think I had 30+ hits and only one review… You people disappoint me… Gah. Well, then moving on. **ME HAS NO RIGHTS TO NARUTO!** –Bursts into chibi tears and rolls about on floor sobbing wildly while others just look on blankly, seeming to be rather uncaring about the current situation-

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_Chapter 2: Open Up The Package, What Did You See?_

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All the Akatsuki members had gathered in the living room, courtesy of Pein's urgent summons.

So now a ruckus filled the room with the usual shouts and hollers mostly related to art, religion, money, being a good boy, fishes and plants were tossed without a care throughout the room.

"Ahem." It was promptly ignored.

"Shut up before I rip you into shreds, join you back up painfully, set you on fire, rub salt into your wounds and then force you to listen to Justin Bieber or maybe Rebecca Black!" Pein roared at the group.

[Sorry to any JB/RB fans. Me no owns him/her either. I need more threat-writing practice.]

A heavy awkward silence permeated the air in the living room alongside the customary sweatdrop as everyone stopped talking at once.

"As I was saying earlier," Pein continued like this was a totally normal occurrence that happened almost everyday. It probably was, considering how wild these ninja were under normal circumstances.

"We have received an unnamed package that was sent to us a few days ago. Even after much scrutiny, we found nothing suspicious and have determined it to be a harmless object of no visible threat."

Pein smirked at his next statement. "However one cannot be too sure therefore who would like the honors of unwrapping this package?"

All fingers were instantly beside or facing the direction of our fellow Jashinist.

"-Bleep- all you heathens! Jashin-sama will punish all of you when you're dead then you feel his wrath and make you regret ever sabotaging me into doing such a silly thing!" Hidan swore the whole time as he slowly inched towards the_ innocent_ box placed on the coffee table.

"And don't come begging for mercy when that happens!" He finished when he finally completed his journey of epic-ness to the package-o-doom.

Hidan slowly nudged the unopened, innocuous package with his scythe and cringed, waiting for something drastic or something to happen.

When nothing serious exploded he grinned and glared at the box.

"Alright, now let's see what mother-bleeping person would send us a -bleep-ing package."

He ripped the wrapping paper away mercilessly, ready for the multitude of traps he suspected would activate at the rough action.

"All right, what bleeping person would send us this stupidly retarded stuff?"Hidan complained to the air around him.

Everyone gathered round the table for a closer look, still quite stunned that nothing life-threatening had happened.

Upon closer inspection, it really would look like nothing was wrong.

In fact, it was utterly dumbfounding. That was the conundrum, the big question mark, the problem at hand.

Was it seriously, truly, completely harmless?

Hidan poked it again for good measure, causing everyone to tense up once more.

It really appeared to be nothing more than a...

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Whoops, a cliffie for you people. -Shrugs- Don't kill me since the next chapter should be out soon. In maybe a couple of hours/minutes. I expect to see more reviews or no chapter for you. XD Nah, I won't do that kind of thing. You feeling lucky punk? Mwhahaha! -Pummeled by fans-


	3. Just Bead It!

Yeyz! The next chapter like I promised… You guys are so fortunate to have such a wonderful authorette like me~ Or not. Now if others could be as nice as me, we'd have world peace. -Tosses sparkly bits of confetti about- And so drum roll please, THE AKATSUKI IS COPYRIGHT OF MASASHI KISHIMOTO. /Cue the ever popular flood of tears attack or more popularly known among otakus that play pokemon as Surf! (No owns that either!) And we shall now move on to the next chapter of this little story of mine~ Imaginary(Possible non-existent) Fans flail in happiness.

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_Chapter 3: Just Bead It!_

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An accessory-making set? Who in their right mind would send this over to a bunch of S-Class Criminal Ninja?

Completely unamused by the current situation at hand, Kisame chose to pick up the garish neon pink box to read the words printed in swirling sunshine yellow script that threatened to burn the eyes of any brave soul who dared read it.

"Make your own bracelets, necklaces or necklaces! A wonderful variety of designs awaits you!"

Kisame squinted a little to make sure he read the horrid thing out right, it was that hard to even make out the 2 sentences curling slyly about the box like the writing was giving the box a death hug.

He shook the box to hear the rattling beads inside and paused for a short moment as if in deep, contemplative thought.

He then burst out into raucous laughter, spluttering out, "This sort of art is just perfect for you Deidara! It fits you like a glove!"

Deidara flushed a bright cherry red at the snide comment before it deepened into a dark crimson as the rest of the group joined in the rowdy laughter.

"Why you! I'll show you art!" Deidara made a threatening gesture, or it would have been if he still wasn't such a deep shade of red, but that may have been out of anger and not embarrassment now.

Pein cleared his throat at that,"I can't have you senselessly killing off the vital members of this organization Deidara."

Deidara snorted in disbelief but unwillingly stepped down and paused in his death advances towards the still-chortling Kisame.

He settled for mumbling incoherent death threats instead and shooting the occasional dark look at the blue-skinned man.

"Well since this contraption appears to be perfectly ordinary, I suggest holding a competition of sorts revolving around this box and its contents."

An evil gleam had entered his eye at this point, "Since all of you do not have any missions for the next few days, it will also help to keep you out of trouble at the base and occupy your attention. What do you say to that?"

Everyone just nodded at that, albeit rather reluctantly, since obviously no one, and I mean NO ONE, ever dares to reject a proposal thought up by Leader-sama.

"You will have the next two days to come up with an accessory of some kind and present it to me for viewing. The winner of that competition will be given the largest room in the base, apart from mine." Pein laid out the next set of rules.

"Sabotage is forbidden as is the the destroying of the box that contains the beads and strings."

He eyed every single one of them carefully to make sure they understood his poorly veiled threat before nodding once in satisfaction.

"Who will be the judge of this contest of yours?" Sasori drawled out boredly.

"I will because I highly doubt that any one of you would be able to judge fairly enough." Konan answered coolly as she stepped out from where she had been standing behind Pein before.

Pein gave another curt nod to show his approval and shifted the box to the other table positioned in the middle of the room and the competition begun~

Everyone pounced at the box almost immediately while Pein exited from the room with Konan by his side to return to his office and finish off the paperwork that was piling up by the cartload.

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Sooooo~ How was it? Any OOC? But since it is a fan fiction, it's bound to have moments that don't quite belong there after all... Please report any errors found while reading this story. So much fancy-ass business-y dialogue. I died writing this. So I hope y'all review now! The next chpater should be up soon~ There are only like 5 chapters anyway. And I can't begin to imagine how I wrote 15k words for my other fan fiction. Sighs. Tata!


	4. In the Meantime

Wassup my precious readers? Can you believe all that buzz that's currently going on about the mature stories and their removal? I can't. (It's not just because I don't really read mature content stories. :X) Oh yeah, the new story cover addition thing is pretty crazy awesome isn't it? Anyone would so kindly deign to bestow upon me with a proper cover for my stories? –Sparkly eyes- Again, only one review? –Goes off to die in hole- Me has no claim to the Naruto franchise and never will. -Cries sadly- No one really cares about how **I **feel at all, do they?

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_Chapter 4: In the__ Meantime... [Please hold for a short while we return to your application within three to five working days. Thank you for your kind cooperation.]_

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One might question the actions of how the members of the organization were being carried out.

One might also wonder about what sort of accessories they were prepared to make.

Well then, we can just now sneak a quick peek at what careful and proper plans were currently being put into action.

Itachi was camping out in his room, sketching out a rough idea of what he had planned to make as well as the proper design outline on a piece of scrap paper.

Sasori had long ago finished with the whatever that he was making and had now begun on a second one just for the heck of it because he supposed jewelry was eternal after all..

Hidan had grumbled a little more at the silly task he had been given to do but randomly grabbed a handful of beads as well as some chains to thread them through, cursing the whole way.

Kakuzu had left the base to go on a bounty hunting-slash-assassination mission. He figured that he would be able to make the accessory he desired the next day instead. And the material provided was free!

Zetsu was out in his greenhouse, collecting various flowers to thread into as he felt that it would suit the whatever he was planning to make.

Deidara was in the process of using his hand mouths to mold some clay into slightly more fascinating shapes to increase the beauty of his item that he had not yet made.

Tobi was laughing like a mad man in his locked room and this was accompanied by the occasional blinding flash of light that caused the others to feel a slight twinge of annoyance at the mild disturbance.

Kisame was holed up in his room, chatting with his pet fish in the aquarium placed beside his bed, discussing the various ideas that he had in his head and seeing which would be most feasible.

Since Konan and Pein were both not participating in this competition, the bluenette was folding more paper origami animals and plants while the orange head was simply being god-like, sitting in his office.

Suffice to say, the pair were enjoying themselves as well as the rare amount of peace that was wafting about the base.

I hope that this has given you a better clue on what they are planning to make! (Or not.)

Itachi bumped into Zetsu on his way to the living room and nodded cordially to him by way of greeting.

The plant man acknowledged his greeting with a nod in return and walked ahead to enter the living room.

He proceeded to collect some beads of various colors before retreating back to whence he came.

Itachi was waiting politely outside when Deidara just so happened to enter the room at the precise moment as him.

The blond's movements became slightly more forced as he passed by the Uchiha on his way to the bead box.

He quickly grabbed a handful of sky blue beads before hurriedly escaping from the sight of the stoic Uchiha.

Itachi had all the while been waiting patiently for everyone to clear off before he finally made his move to enter the room, choose the brightest beads in the box and leaving just as swiftly.

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Heya! I know this has a bit of a filler sense to it. It doesn't really explain much does it? Heh. o(; w ;)o But since the next chapter is last, just thought I would drag it out a little. Comments? OOC? Errors? Just leave it in a review! -Grabs onto legs-_** Please, please just review! I know you're out there people! So do me a little favor and kindly review! Post a comment, say it's good because anything works!**_


	5. Behold The Results

Yeps! The last chapter is here! –Insert action-sounding music- I was gonna wait a while before uploading this but since I'm going on a holiday for a week, I thought it best not to keep m'peeps waiting. XDD Rabid readers can be quite the scary people when they want to. Again, still no reviews? Is my story really that crappy as to not be able to not gain the comments of all you readers? –Falls into self-depression mode- This sucks. But I am still very glad to those that did favorite my story as well as check out my other Akatsuki fan fiction. Thank you! -Bows- _**Oh well, me has no stake of claim in the mind-blowing, awesome out of this world pie that is Naruto.**_ Mmm, yummy freshly-baked pies… I hunger for some delicious tasting pie right about now. Pie flavoured!

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_Chapter 5: Behold The Results!_

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We now begin with where we left off the previous chapter...

Kakuzu calmly entered the living room only to see a much too cheerful Tobi pilfering some of the orange and black beads before running off in a hurry.

He shook his head in disbelief at his enthusiasm in this silly little contest before examining the contents within the box.

He carefully selected a wire as well as beads and decorations he deemed suitable before he left the room.

Kisame had snatched up the darker blue and light orange beads that well complemented his skin tone.

He stalked off in a huff, cursing the sanity of his pet fish the whole way as well as about how karma was coming back to bite him in the behind.

Sasori was just flat out relaxing in his room now, designing a puppet to model and show off his new accessories.

Everyone was now more or less completed with their planned accessory and was going about bragging about it, Hidan's loud voice overpowering most of the others.

Konan stood in the center of it all and patiently waited for time to run out as she glanced about at every single one of the males that were currently in the room.

Pein stood silently beside her as he quickly stepped into the room and looked about seriously to get everybody present to fall silent at once.

Konan cast a speculative glance before instructing, "May one of you please step out to present the accessory that you have constructed over the period of the last two days?"

Hidan walked up with a confident strut in his step to face Konan. He then held up the necklace in his possession.

It was not just _any _necklace. It was one that caused spasms to occur within anyone gullible enough to face it straight on.

The colors clashed wildly like their lives depended on it, and the contradicting sizes of various beads did nothing whatsoever to remedy that fact.

Everyone snickered at the ghastly monstrosity as Konan merely nodded, gingerly picked it up and laid it to rest on the table.

She then gestured for him to step back which he did so with slightly less confidence than before.

Kakuzu was up next. He had made a simple, yet elegant looking key chain that were interlocked with dollar signs every few cherry pink beads. He placed it down and backed away without another word.

Deidara had crafted an anklet with tiny, delicate clay animals next to the blue beads he had taken previously. He smirked before shouting, "Katsu!"

His hard work now totally obliterated, he just stated, "Art is a bang!"

Sasori was the one to go after. His work, as compared to the ones before him was impressive. His tiny puppet model emphasized the beauty of his bracelets that consisted of gold, silver and a bright auburn. The colors alternated between themselves.

Everyone clapped politely as he just shrugged and returned to his original position on the couch.

Kisame went up after Sasori was done. He had grumbled a little but nevertheless showed the little beaded ring made by him with cheerful accents of orange to contrast the blue hue.

Several whistles and cat-calls were heard and he shot a dark glare at the offenders.

Tobi bounced up eagerly and presented the simplistic key chain that had costed him quite a bit of time and effort. It was just two shades of orange and black with two yellow star-shaped beads at the beginning and end of the chain.

It also matched his mask rather well.

Zetsu came up next with a grand entrance by phasing out the floor and flashing his necklace with little petite jasmine flowers. It helped highlight the beauty of nightshade black and lime green beads in between every flower.

Itachi was now last to showcase his work and it was truly a case of saving the best for last.

He held up his bracelet amid amazed gasps.

It was certainly one of the more unexpected and unconventional choices of the day for his bracelet had an elaborate design with light yet bright colors in shades of pink, yellow, blue, violet, red, neon orange and green.

The colors were similar to that if Hidan's but the difference was definitely obvious in terms of planning.

The striking colors and matching sizes that rose from darkest to lightest was a definite stunner.

Who knew the Uchiha had it in him?

Konan took a good look at every single accessory placed on the table, yes, even Hidan's. She mentally weighed the pros and cons of every single accessory.

After several minutes of deep contemplation and nervous anticipation, Konan announced, "Zetsu wins this competition. His carefully crafted piece as well as the clever use of nature is the most impressive."

Zetsu wasted no time in rubbing this fact into the other members' faces by laughing in amusement while the others gaped at this sudden turn of events.

"Hey! No fair! Why does this stupid cannibalistic plant get to win?" Hidan whined.

"Of course I win. **Unless you would prefer to reject the facts by talking to Leader-sama? It wasn't like yours was very good anyways...**" Zetsu gloated.

It was all Pein could do by rubbing his temples yet again as another argument broke out among his members and he wondered sometimes if this was the organization he had so wanted to create..

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_~Epilogue~_

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A fan girl slipped in unnoticed by the bickering group, swiftly grabbed all the made accessories, stuck them into a cloth bag and laughed softly to herself in victory. She quickly escaped out into the night.

_'My sisters will be so happy with the loot I collected. Who knew they would actually carry this out?'_

This time a crazed cackle escaped her mouth and echoed into the depths of the shadowy night.

"Hey what happened to all our hard work?!"

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Yeyz! It's over! I just have one thing to say. Y U NO REVIEW? Oh come one, don't tell me you didn't question where the package came from? Hope you're satisfied with the results! If not, well you could also talk it out with Konan. X33 Now then, back to homestuck and 9gag! Without further ado, arrivederci. See you next time~!


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